Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Big Black Nemesis

So maybe you saw my tweet about it, but the other day I read a really gut wrenching post that reminded me of a lot of feelings I haven't confronted recently. The author also put hir finger on a particular confluence of negative emotions that I can really relate to but never thought about so explicitly.

Go read it.

I'll wait.



I don't want to take anything away from the author's writing by restating the point too much, but it's nasty business when the imposter syndrome we all seem to have coalesces into a perfect storm of dread with a bona fide, honest-to-goodness secret you *really* don't want getting out. A secret that you are sure will destroy all that you've worked for. Suddenly, the inchoate sense that you are on the brink of being found out takes a new and concrete form. The Voltron lions of Insecurity, Self Doubt, Fear of Failure, and Paranoia click together with their sinister partner Debilitating Chronic Disease Lion to create a giant Terrorbot.

It's a dark place, and almost nobody I disclosed my P to gets what it's like. I'm not sure if they're just trying to be reassuring, but almost invariably the first question after "I was terrified to tell anyone about P" is an incredulous "Why?"

Why was I so sure letting my secret leak out would torpedo my career? Why did I worry everyone would flee my lab? Why was I afraid no one would give me a long-term grant?

Most people seem to think these worries were silly. I don't know if I have an answer that they would understand, but the author of this post understands. Thank you "S". This time it is you who have inspired me.

Many miles away
There's a shadow on the door
Of a cottage on the shore
Of a dark Scottish lake

Many miles away

4 comments:

  1. Thank you. This post fucking nails it, reaching into the personal narrative and pulling out the main thing, the seed crystal, that nucleated its creation. The intersection of the subtle doubts created by IS and the concrete ones that come from medical issues...and the potential consequences of disclosure that somehow get driven into all of us. Now that I see it, it feels obvious. In fact it feels so obvious, I can't imagine why it took so long to unravel. Sometimes brains are assholes.

    I'm feeling emotionally better these days than I have in a long time. You're right about it being a dark place. I appreciate hearing that I'm not alone in these things, even as others tell me the same thing.

    -s

    postscript: Robots FTW! And my apology to non-metaphorical sharks, which are actually awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
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      Delete
  2. An amazing testimony, I,m ADAMS OLIVIA from British Virginia, Life have not been easy since my husband left me and my two kids to suffer while perching with another find love, Out of the trauma i hard a total emotional melt down which lead into loosing my job, Since then i have been passing through hardship squatting from a relationship to friends house because i can barely feed myself and my kids talk more of renting an apartment, On a faithful day as i was walking down my street, hopeless, i meet my old friend Dean Sharmain she was so happy to see me and she pick me up to a fast food joint in the city, she was my old time friend and class mate, but now she looks different, looking good riding a big car and wearing all sort of customize shoes and cloth i was jealous but since she is my very good friend i have to ask her some few question on how come about her wealth knowing fully well that she was married twice and divorced and also from a very poor background,she told me the secret of her wealth behold i was so surprise that a voodoo spell caster can cast a lottery spell and will send you the lucky numbers to win millions of dollars, as a hopeless woman i have to try all alternative to make sure i get good money and take care of my family, so believe me i contacted this voodoo spell caster name Dr-Savior, i contacted him quickly through his mail address and he cast the spell and send me the hot numbers to win the lottery , to cut the long story short i am a billionaire today,And my husband is doing everything possible to win my heart again but there,s no for that again contact him now and be happy


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    ReplyDelete
  3. GUINEA AND POWERFUL LOTTERY SPELL CASTER IN USA TO HELP YOU WIN BIG IN ANY LOTTERY OF YOUR CHOICE CONTACT HIM NOW WHATSAPP NUMBER---+1 (631) 800-5310


    Hi viewers, i am Chloe Leah from Florida United State, I’ am giving this testimony about GREAT MAMA Dr Owelle on how she helped me win big in the lottery games, I won $66million lottery ticket.I have been playing the lottery for the past 5 years now and i have never won big and my friends always laugh at me and discourage me about wasting my money on tickets . Ever since then i have not been able to win big and i was so upset and i need help to win the lottery. so i decided to go online and search for help,there i saw so many good testimony about this woman called Great Mama Dr Owelle on how she has cast lucky spell lotto for people to win the lottery.I contact her also and tell her i want to win a lottery, she cast a spell for me which i use and i play and won $66 million dollars. I am so grateful to this woman, just in-case you also need her to help you win,you can contact her through her email and she will surely help you she help me so much and today am very happy and grateful for the wonderful spell which Great Mama Dr Owelle have cast for me and making my long tiem dream come true


    EMAIL ADDRESS---ODINANISOLUTIONCENTRE@YAHOO.COM (OR) ODINANISOLUTIONCNTRE@GMAIL.COM
    WEBSITE.....http://odinanisolutioncentre.webs.com/
    WHATSAPP NUMBER---+1 (631) 800-5310

    ReplyDelete