My Brave Face

I said something to one of my graduate students today. I told zir that "I wish I could walk around with a disclaimer on my forehead that says 'If I do anything weird, it's 100% P.'" I'm not exactly kidding.

I was diagnosed ten years ago last July, and I have had symptoms dating back at least twelve years. Many people are seriously impaired by this point, so I can't really complain. Progression is extremely slow, but I am actually beginning to feel like I have something to manage. At this point I feel like I am in a liminal zone between "he seems fine to me" and "seriously what is going on with that guy?" We'll just call it "he seems like an odd, uncomfortable, anxious dude."

P-derived anxiety has always been and continues to be my worst enemy. That is both as a symptom and as a secondary effect, meaning I am unclear on what proportion is attributable directly to P and what proportion is attributable to self-consciousness about P. Through the day, I sometimes have changes in demeanor, head bobbing, squirming in my legs, and/or stuttering. With these things, it is also unclear to what extent these are symptoms or side effects (e.g. dyskinesia from L-DOPA). It's past the point where I can completely hide it, but it's not acute enough to be obvious to people what is going on. As a person who has always been introverted, this is not fun. It's frustrating because I really feel like I'm doing the best work of my career and I would love to talk about it with more people.

In one of my earliest posts, I related an observation by erstwhile talking head Michael Kinsley about life with P being a performance, and I feel like I can see another facet of that now. Acting like everything is fine is a dwindling option. Not addressing it definitely makes me uncomfortable and possibly makes other people uncomfortable. Telling people who don't know that I have P is highly awkward for both of us. That's why my preferred solution is the forehead disclaimer. 

The simplest things set me off again
And take me to that place
Where I can't find my brave face