All My Friends

The ones who love us best
Are the ones we'll lay to rest
Visit their graves on holidays at best

The ones who love us least
Are the ones we'll die to please
If it's any consolation I don't pretend to understand

Once again, I go back to the lyrical well of Paul Westerberg and the Replacements. So much wisdom there. I've been thinking a lot about these lyrics lately. What I've been reflecting on is the last five years of my life, where it has gotten me, and what it has cost me.



You spent the first five years trying to get with the plan

And the next five years trying to be with your friends again


It's become increasingly clear that running my career in continuous crisis mode has taken a toll on my personal life. Virtually every personal relationship has suffered from neglect in favor of keeping my career afloat. The same is true for my health, which is not bad at all but could be great if I were able to take the time to take care of myself better. My kids aren't getting any younger and I haven't seen many close friends in a long time. This is not because I'm a power-hungry monster, but because I'm trying simply to keep my head above water.

And if I’m made a fool 
If I’m made a fool
If I’m made a fool
 on the road
There's always this

And if I'm sewed into submission

I can still come home to this



I'm thinking about this in the wake of yet another grant triage, one that will minimally forestall and possibly preclude my promotion. Yet another month in which my every waking hour is consumed with trying to please a group of people who could give a shit about me.

I hope it's worth it. I hope someday I'll be able to work to earn back the closeness to the people I love the best. I'm so sorry.

Oh, if the trip and the plan come apart in your hand

You look contorted on yourself your ridiculous prop

You forgot what you meant when you read what you said

And you always knew you were tired, but then

Where are your friends tonight?



Where are your friends tonight?

Where are your friends tonight?



If I could see all my friends tonight

If I could see all my friends tonight

If I could see all my friends tonight

If I could see all my friends tonight